My lines have gone to a wild land that I do not know. No one does. They have been gone for months, for a lifetime.
Those words that hug each other forming multicolor lines that have hidden under the velvet flower vase, inside the brown treasure box, and beside the imperfectly peeled oranges.
The lines have crossed my face instead of my fingers, in a period of time where growing up was not an option. Though, stubborn child I still am, with a wronged soft heart and a sharp mouth. A child that could never adapt quite well, no matter where. A child who does not understand life and all it takes. A child that feels too much for her own sake.
They -my lines- have gone to find what they know I am still looking for. It fails to come to me to finally figure out if it exists at all. Oh, lines! You are in my mind, across my heart, sailing away. Away, somewhere, away, disguised as prayers made of light and inaudible songs. You have kept away while I selfishly calm down my heart, treat it well, keep the doubts at bay.
Cursed be the wait and the bad earthly faith that touches the great souls that only good deserve.
I feel it come. Low voice, slow pace. It comes.
Five seconds that made the blue car stop. Stop for the stray cat’s ninth life’ sake; and then, carry on. Carry on to crash with a momentarily misplaced white car down the road. It’s crucial. In the same way, it won’t go.
Subtle at first, playing with my hair; making me feel the touch I lack of and crave for.
It comes when I wait, while evil monsters play with our hope; so far water splashed but safe on the shore. Evil seeds planted for me eyes to see. Green growing facts only a fool could forever refuse or foresee. One of those envied fools with a velvety heart; unscratched, unnamed for.
It’s a lie, all a plot. Once again. I don’t deserve love. It’s true, what it seemed. I’m alone.
Play that song to me. The one that says what you don’t already know, all what you know, and all we need to know. Calm down the beast, let it find peace again and keep walking this long lonely road. The road that one day, will be no more.
And sunlight won’t shine back… Thick dark gray clouds are holding her back.
Slim times -like a well peeled apple skin- allow me to see her, calming my thirst. But the pollution joins the persistent clouds.
And the selfish fear grows in me… the big new fear of one day not seeing her again, for as long my time is time in this life. What life? Without sunlight, I’ll kiss it goodbye.
Not strong enough to shine trough it all. Sunlight, I’m all confused, lost in the dark.
Life is very good right now. Life could be better though.
New experiences and new hopes have been born. But also some of the old; the secondary clock in my computer is still set on Amsterdam’s time.
The alarm goes off in the mornings, waking up is as difficult as ever, but there is so much to look forward during a working day.
Yet… I’m in love with love. Feelings imitate chameleons. What’s up? Move on, walk on, fight, grow. Keep hoping for the best, prepare for the worst.
Dearest ally and enemy, oh clock.
And I find myself in here again, with written words as my comrades.
How bitter and how sweet life proves itself to be. The new and old ones that mean a lot in my life… Why aren’t they enough? Why is it never enough? Why am I never enough?
I cannot settle! My best wish came true in part, there’s a lemon pie, but you can only have the thinnest slice. I look forward, trying to move on.
At times I feel I get exactly what I want… with an if, or a but, or a loss. Is it my destiny, to feel as deep as I feel to write lonely bittersweet paragraphed sonnets for people or myself to read?
A lonely fate I do not seem to be able to scape. As always, dreaming for someone, preparing for no one. I have so much to give, stored, waiting for someone who has got something similar to give me back.
It is warm and loyal, here inside. Trust me, hear me, faith. Not just someone, the one. Not just a slice, the whole pie.