The real world

One of my great dislikes is to see how my writings show me as a negative, cloudy sky person; but I can’t help it, words are my only scape when it comes to on-the-edge feelings. I tend to feel things so dramatically, and here I go again…

It is really strange that no one I know feels the way I do, about loyalty, about cruelty, about a life companion, and about many other things… It seems like only fiction matches my personality. I must admit that I have even researched for a syndrome that might describe me; but none have completely matched.

Despite that I’m not so young, my life has been sheltered in a way, having experienced this cozy and chaotic world that is mainly composed by my family, and no other permanent relationships. Much too comfortable with myself and much too incompatible with everyone around me.

I should have known when my mother heard me cry when I was still in the womb -only if I could remember-. Someone should have suspected something when I was born with one incisor tooth. It must have given me a clue when I would turn soviet red because I was asked to give a reading demonstration in preschool.  I should have known it when I was the only one feeling bad about my classmates teasing a child who wore glasses, and not joining them on their so child-like evil teasing. I should have known when people’s eyes spoke to me and made sense the way their words hardly ever did.

Who’s to know if genes or circumstances made me the way I am?; both things perhaps. I was born strange. I didn’t know, I just felt an itch inside me, somewhere close to my soul. Knowledge has come to me little by little through my life.

More than a couple of decades have passed, and in the core, I’m still the same kid. Do we ever truly change? My worries have changed, my hormones have woken up, my responsibilities have increased, my disappointments have piled up, but I’m still the same.

I’ve gotten more in touch with the real world the present year than I have ever been before. When I was this shy, smart, bright-eyed and inquisitive kid, I used to feel there was something dangerous about letting myself out of my own mind, about trusting others… I was right.

I’ve figured, I insist so much in not letting myself trust, because in fact I trust as easily as my heart bruises.

There is something about the work environment… People turn into back-stabbers when their monthly income is involved.

And there is something else about love and sex too… People turn into… people, when their physical pleasure or the utopia of true love are at stake.

Some things that happen, I still can’t believe. My poor thoughts-right-out-of-my-mind filter hasn’t helped at all. The fact that I look 5 years younger than I am, reflects exactly my insides.

People with kind words and toothy smiles can hide so huge lies. People say words they do not mean. People do low things to feel above you at work. People bid farewell in the most easy and cruel way, not caring if half your heart is with them. People are capable of stealing with little or no charge of conscience.

The real world kind of sucks, but bring it on.


Oel ngati kameie

Sometimes I think I can see right trough people and find my own reflection in them. I can have a glimpse at their dreams, flaws, hopes, qualities and fears… It’s not about following a first impression, I know better than that. “I see you and you are so close of seeing me! I mean, really see each other.”… I find a revelation whenever someone amazes me so much, a revelation telling me that the encounter was supposed to happen and that it is written in the sky that we should never part from each others life. I see the only possibility of that person and I being friends for the rest of our lives, because that’s what we’ve been since before, all eternity.

The big problem is, I’m awfully wrong most of the times… In the epiphany I experience when finding that person and getting to know each other, I tend to assume that every hint or suspicion of mine (good or bad) is totally right; being a little prejudiced (it hurts me to admit this, since I hate prejudice) and making  presumptions, I tend to make affirmations instead of asking questions. It’s never my intention to be closed minded, I’m always happy to be proven wrong and learn with that; but I’m learning that people are not so good when they hear “I think you like the color green”, instead of “do you like the color green?”. There’s also a fear of people telling me lies… so my heart believes everything I hear, while my mind is skeptic about everything I hear; so this dual thing makes my thinking and intuition confused.

As I said, I’m learning… I’ll try to keep my revelations under control, my hopes a little lower than the exosphere, and my trust at its best even if it ends up being a bad choice. No matter if that experience lived thanks to a random person is short, maybe it was supposed to be just that, a moment. I believe sometimes we are, for a period of time (short as seconds or long as years) an angel for someone else.