Tag Archives: anger

Here I am

Standard

One sentence brought it all back, waking it up from wherever it was fast asleep, waiting to die. The ache, the anger, the love.

One day made me forget it all. The sugarless drinks, his metallic smile, the errant eyes, the three dogs that lay on his lap.

Papers were torn. Hope was reborn. Gladness to have taken things slow. A relief in not fighting or forcing my heart anymore.

I changed a likeness topicality, for a full of love restrain. It is so hard to control all my senses, that yearn, wait, and don’t have.

My eyes, skin, ears, nose, mouth. Just one? No time for me, no active plans, just a spoken future that doesn’t begin to touch down.

Help me endure. Again, every morrow. Despite, and in decrease, of my neediness, explosiveness, corniness, childishness. Despite it all.

Tell me I am yours, only. Tell me you are mine. Tell me words are meant to become facts. Tell me forever has crossed your mind.

Here I am. Not minding temporary distance. Claiming for a window to the future that will let me see that everything will be fine.

Here I am. Knowing what I want. Sabotaging the good you bestow. Begging my doubt to be wrong; begging for you to shot it down.

One day after reminiscence

Standard

On september the fifth of year 2012.

ONE

Yesterday was a day when, while I was riding on a bus -completely unaware of what was happening outside my closed eyes and my music entertained ears-, an earthquake took place in costarican and adjacent territories.

Seismic country. Familiar subduction: “Cocos y Caribe”. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocos_Plate, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caribbean_Plate).

But it was not just an earthquake, but THE earthquake. It had been announced for years, it was long ago predicted and expected in nicoyan lands and its surroundings. It was nerve cracking long-lasting, and dizzyingly strong. Or so I’ve been told.

Some minutes after the event, stunned faces and loud voices wondered how it was possible that I didn’t feel the worst earth movement that was felt in the country for decades.

How did I miss the running, screaming and crying women -and men also-? The cars stopping in the middle of the streets? The vertical structures dancing? I didn’t feel it, I didn’t see it; and I am glad for that.

I am deeply sorry for the two lives that were lost due the earthquake in Costa Rica, and for the minor structural damages that occurred. But we can say it could have been worst, this kind of natural events can be very devastating. Taking into account that factors as the depth of the epicenter, the acceleration of the movement, etc., influence the outcome or side effects of an earthquake,  similar events worldwide -in terms of MMS (moment magnitude scale, 7.6 for the event I’m currently talking about)- have caused thousands of deaths (how very sad) and severe material damages.

Pride for the country’s civil engineering.

TWO

A story started to run around, as legends have done in the past. It is said that a woman was prepared to receive her child via c-section. The woman was on the surgical bed, already tied into place, waiting for anesthesia… And then, the earthquake happened.

The spoken word tells that she was in such state of pain, that she didn’t get scared… Not even when doctors and nurses started to run outside the room, some of them shouting and crying; only two remained with her; one, as a human shield, protecting the preciousness inside the woman’s uterus, the other probably petrified by fear. Nothing big fell down or apart, cracks didn’t appear on the walls; eventually everyone came back with their hands steadier than when they left.

Culminating the tale of the brave woman and her child, the little angel took her first breath 30 minutes after the event. Close to nine months filled with worry and difficult situations dissolved almost entirely, everything turned out just fine.

Welcome, my little baby, my niece.

THREE

It was also a day when, later on, I may or may not have been asked for a kiss. After I got out of the car, I heard it inside my head, like an echo: “Hasta luego. Dame un beso”. Did he say that back then? Didn’t he? If he did say it, what did he mean? I do not know… Fact one: A kiss was given from my lips to his cheek. Fact two: Before that, I had to dodge the invisible straight line guiding my mouth to his, or his to my own.

FOUR

A mattress and sheets. A message that got to me as only modern times can deliver it. Words were an unespected happening that did its best at stirring ache and anger inside me.

FIVE

Gold brewed and strongly hoped-for news showed themselves to me; again, modern times to award. Two interviews and some days after, a new job is waiting for me. I’ll shortly quit my current job, I feel eager and guilty; but mostly thrilled.

Almost it all

Standard

Unsuccessfully repressed anger. A constant and unrelated -if soft- headache.

Awake. Sleep chasing after me. Do not think. Do not feel. The bird and the fish.

Frustration that built up with desires of flesh and soul that have not been met.

I have not failed to see the easy coming beauty. Precious ephemeral rose beds.

Memory needs strength. The reasons. The differences. The love. The needs.

Life. Mind. Heart. Body. Trusted to a sense of certainty. Certainty and hope.

But cursed I am. Cursed it is. The feeling. Curiosity met by creators of doubt.

No one understands. Compounds. Same elements. Different arrangement.

Tears have stopped coming down while seated in uncomfortable bus rides.

The kite has been cut from the cord. Repeat the words. I do not care anymore.

Let it hurt. Let it burn. After one -only one lifetime- it will be gone. Almost it all.